Sunday, March 8, 2015

Home Sweet Home

Here I sit with my cup of coffee. I am in my lovely sewing studio, in my wonderful house, as happy as can be.  Feeling safe and sound, I have no desire to leave. Why the sudden appreciation for home? Let me tell you. I wasn't feeling so happy a few weeks ago.  

My husband earned two free plane tickets and had to use one of them before February.   Knowing my absolute dread of flying and the fact that I get anxiety traveling, he decided not to tell me until the last minute.

He booked a flight to visit his sister in California.  If I wanted to go all I needed to do was say the word.  A free flight, our own little studio apartment - what more could anyone ask for?
A dream come true, right?  
So what's the problem?

I wavered back and forth between being excited and having near panic attacks.  I talked myself into it, then out of it, then into it. Once I committed to go I was literally sick for three days - feeling anxiety, dizziness, hot flashes, up at night,  just plain feeling awful.  A phrase I took from my daughter when she was little was "badness".  A pancake I made her wasn't completely cooked, and she told me there was "badness" in there.  I had badness in me. Lots of it.  

I really, really would love to go.  The last time I was in California I was 16, on a family trip to San Francisco.  I want to redo everything I did back then -  take a trolley to Chinatown, visit Fisherman's Wharf , and see the sights.   My son moved to California last year. I would love to visit him, as well as my West Coast relatives. Visions of the beautiful wineries in Napa Valley taunt me.

So just go, right?  I can hear you now.  I told myself I would go and I know I would enjoy it.  
But . . .the stress I was having and what I was putting myself through was just not worth it.  After several heart to heart talks with my sister and myself, I decided not to go. 

Why? My dream of going out to California was to drive. Crazy, yes.  But I want to plan my trip and try to see as many states as possible. I want to visit every quilt shop and antique store and see all the beauty our great country offers.  We'll stop at every Mom and Pop diner and small town bakery, sampling our way through the states.  I want to drive to the upper West Coast and work my way down.  I want a leisurely pace, not determined by flight deadlines. 

My dream is to get a vintage trailer and be like Lucy and Ricky in "The Long, Long Trailer" but my husband says it would be cheaper to get hotels. We'll see about that!
I  like being able to stop the car whenever and wherever I want.  Being on a plane, train, or bus makes me feel claustrophobic, like I am trapped.  Anyone that deals with anxiety issues will be able to relate to this. I haven't flown for over 10 years.

Because we were so close to the actual date, we would have had to pay an additional 600 dollars round trip, so this actually wasn't the opportunity of a lifetime I was making it out to be. 

I felt disappointed in myself for not embracing the adventure. What an idiot.  Who in their right mind would pass this up?  

This idiot, that's who.  Here's how I made peace with myself. 

This wasn't my dream trip. We can still drive to the West Coast someday, but we can't afford 600 dollars right now. This isn't a good time for me to try to squeeze in anything else because  I am smack dab in the middle of trying to get my business up and running.
I thought:  I hereby give myself permission to pass on this opportunity.  I am going to release the "badness" I feel about myself for not being able to do it. The stress I am putting myself through is not worth it.  And I'm not an idiot.

I felt such a sense of relief when I made that decision.          

Will I regret it?  Am I ashamed for not being able to face my fears?  I don't know.  What I do know is if my sister, daughter, or friend was trying to make this decision, I would tell them to not be so hard on themselves.  So I took my own advice . . . this time.

P.S.  I think I'll watch "The Long, Long Trailer" tonight.


  1. I haven't flown for 30 years.I am terrified of heights. Don't beat yourself up!! I do however like to take the train. Unlike the bus you can get up, walk around and they have a few fun rooms to walk too. Be KIND to yourself, just like you would anyone else with this issue. There is nothing wrong with saying you cant do something. There are many things you CAN do!!!! :) Hugs, Rhea

  2. Juile I am so sorry about the trip. That image is perfect of the long long trailer. I love that movie and have a copy too. That is a great idea to watch it, but do not forget your popcorn. lol!

  3. I'm proud of you! It seems like you handled it exactly right and you were kind to yourself.
    Good job! :)

  4. I don't know what happened, but as I've aged (54 now) I've become a terrible traveler. I think I drive everyone crazy. It's been probably nine years since I've flown. I desperately want a trip to the beach--but dreading the trip and the toll it will take on my nerves and my back problems. *sigh* You have a great plan, and I think it sounds so fun if you had the trailer and could make stops along the way. I have the Long Long Trailer on my DVR right now and plan to watch it soon! Hugs and take care of you. Sandy Leigh

  5. Hi Julie, you came to your truth and that's what matters. I have been home bound and dependent on others for several years with anxiety, agoraphbia, and the worse kind of agoraphobia you wouldn't believe. With all I've been through in my life I still choose to live in my truth despite the short comings in my life. With that being said, I still push forward and do what I can and not focus on what my shortcomings are. I have hope that I will be a better version of who I use to be than when I wasn't home bound. Keep truth and faith alive in yourself. Do what you can, accepting yourself, loving yourself no matter what. I wish you well.


  6. Oh how nice to find you here again! I'm in the same boat as you. I just can't make myself fly... I've done it a few times. But my fear if it has gotten worse through the years . I really need to take a trip to florida to see my parents... but I jst can't get on a plane. And guess what.. i m not a grat car traveler either! Lol! I will have to break down and go sometime soon though. Well welcome back! I need to add your blig back on my side bar.. I accidentally deleted all the blogs i had there and have been adding them back as I go.
    Happy day!

  7. Good for you for standing up for yourself and giving yourself permission to be you!!

  8. Let yourself off the hook and live life the way you want.
    Always here for you!
    Ps I watched that 2 weeks ago😉

  9. I hate to fly these days. I too had anxiety attacks about flying back in July. My step mother passed and I had to fly home. I didn't have a choice. I made it but not without nausea.
    I feel for you

  10. well I only flew once and with my panic there is no way its happening again ever.. It's okay to be yourself.. thats what we all seem to forget. the world rather we not be us and be someone elses person.. the heck with that.. It's okay to feel what you feel and it's okay you decided not to go.. It's good to see you writing on your blog again.. One day at a time.. with love Janice